For Suicide Prevention Awareness Month I shared the story of losing my husband to suicide. It has obviously had a big impact on my life. Losing a spouse is hard. Losing someone you love to suicide is hard. Experiencing both is such a profound loss.
How My Husband’s Suicide Affected Me
For those that don’t know me well, I have endured a lot of hardship in my life. That’s what this blog/website is all about. Despite everything I’ve been through I have always held tightly to my faith, and God has gotten me through everything. I have been broken and healed many times over. If we’re comparing healing to the gold that covers the cracks in a tea cup, I’d have a lot of gold! But there are beauty in the scars. I truly believe I am the empathetic, kind, loving person I am because of all I’ve overcome. I love HARD, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Obviously, this was no exception. I married a broken man who needed that kind of love. And although I was walking with scars from things I had been through, I was at a place where they were just that – scars. No longer open wounds. Unfortunately, some of those scars got ripped right back open as I experienced the loss of my husband to suicide.
1. Nightmares
As I mentioned in my Suicide Prevention Awareness Month post, I found my husband after he died by suicide via a self-inflicted gunshot wound. For the first few days I couldn’t even close my eyes without seeing it all over again. I had to get a prescription anti-anxiety medication just to be able to sleep. Even then I’d wake up in a panic sometimes.
The nightmares have subsided over time, but, once in a while, one will sneak in in the middle of the night in my regular dreams. I don’t know if a visual like that ever just “goes away,” but I’m thankful it is haunting me less and less. After I read the death certificate and understood exactly how the revolver was used, I realized that God actually protected me from seeing more than I already did. I will spare those details, but I do know it could have been worse.
2. Anxiety
Immediately following the suicide, my anxiety was relentless. I already had C-PTSD from years of narcissistic abuse (from before I met my late husband). This reopened some of those scars. But I now have new triggers. Because I had fallen asleep when he took his life, if I am feeling unwell or tired and try to nap during the day, I will sometimes wake up in a panic. I also get triggered by the sound of gunshots (even though I didn’t actually hear the gunshot), seeing a gun, bullets, etc. I can also feel anxious if I don’t hear back from someone and/or can’t find someone where I think they’re supposed to be. Again, these are all things that are getting better with time, thankfully.
3. Insecurity
One of the biggest wounds that got opened back up were my insecurities. I’ve gone through life often feeling “invisible.” I’ve spent many nights in tears both crying to God for someone to “see me,” while also thanking Him that *He* sees me. It was even an ongoing struggle in our marriage because my late husband would often talk about missing his family, and I just wanted him to “see me” – to see that I was there right in front of him, and I was his family. Needless to say, losing him to suicide reinforced that insecurity. I have played it over in my head that he had to walk by me sleeping to walk outside. But he didn’t think twice? I love SO HARD. Wasn’t it enough? This is probably one of the wounds that will take longer to heal.
There is also the insecurity of a life that is so different than what you expected. So many people say I am so strong. They’re partly right. I’m not strong, but I do find my strength in God. I am very independent – the kind of person that will pick myself up by the bootstraps and smile like everything’s fine while I’m absolutely breaking inside. But I’ll get through it because I always do. I figure it out. I’m a “I’ll just do it myself” kind of person. But that doesn’t mean that suddenly being thrown into a life where you HAVE to do it all yourself was easy. I am slowly getting into a new routine, a new way to make things work. And, as hard as it is for me to ask for help, I have learned to do so when needed.
4. Overwhelm
In that same vein, life got really overwhelming very quickly. Not only did I have to jump in and find out where we were in the flood cleanup process, I also had to do all the other paperwork and legal stuff that comes with the loss of a spouse. And it comes at you all at once. There are still things that I need to finish. Thankfully, I did have a lot of guidance and support from those who have been through it to help me get all the ducks in a row. And, as things often do, within the couple months that followed, things in the house started breaking. All the paperwork, repairs, expenses, running a business and household, etc. all while trying to process such a profound loss is definitely overwhelming.
5. Shame
I think the thing that isn’t talked about much is the shame you can feel when you lose someone to suicide – especially if it’s a spouse. I was supposed to be his reason to live – his support system. And when someone asks how he died (because he was only 52, so I think most people assume it wasn’t natural), I almost feel ashamed to answer. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t want people to remember him that way, if I don’t want people to pity me, or I just feel ashamed that I couldn’t save him. Thankfully, I’ve had amazing people in my life come alongside me and talk me down from those feelings.
6. Anger
I think anger is a normal part of any grief cycle, and losing someone to suicide is no exception. I have felt so angry. He knew the kind of life I’ve fought through, but did he even consider how it would affect me? And having to find him after the fact? How could he not consider what that would do to me? I remind myself that he was fighting something deeper than I could understand, but sometimes the anger and frustration get the best of me.
7. Hopelessness
This is the one that I know is not true because I know what God’s Word says. Yet, I have to admit, sometimes I do feel hopelessness. My life has been marked by people mistreating me, abandoning me, taking advantage of me, etc. So when yet another person who was supposed to love me leaves me, I definitely feel waves of hopelessness.
Getting Support
Not everybody’s journey with a loss to suicide is the same. But there are things that are important – namely getting the support you need. I’m not from the area I now live in as I had moved here when I married my late husband. Yet, when everything was falling apart, so many people rallied around me, and it’s something I will never forget. All of the things I mentioned were alleviated a little.
Of course, it’s also important to get professional support. Seek counseling. A counselor can help calm some of the chaos that is going on in your head. I also chose to join a GriefShare Group at a local church. Not all of our losses are the same, but connecting with others who have experienced loss is helpful. And, of course, the connection with other believers is invaluable.
And never be afraid to ask for help. Reach out when the emotions get overwhelming. Get in God’s Word daily. It can be easy to drown in those feelings, but you definitely don’t have to.
Slowly the wounds are starting to heal into scars again, and although it’s something I will always carry with me, I am choosing to be thankful for the time I did have rather than dwelling on how “unfair” it all feels (because it definitely does feel unfair) and how short the time I did have was.
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