For Suicide Prevention Awareness Month I shared the story of losing my husband to suicide. It has obviously had a big impact on my life. Losing a spouse is hard. Losing someone you love to suicide is hard. Experiencing both is such a profound loss.

How My Husband’s Suicide Affected Me

For those that don’t know me well, I have endured a lot of hardship in my life. That’s what this blog/website is all about. Despite everything I’ve been through I have always held tightly to my faith, and God has gotten me through everything. I have been broken and healed many times over. If we’re comparing healing to the gold that covers the cracks in a tea cup, I’d have a lot of gold! But there are beauty in the scars. I truly believe I am the empathetic, kind, loving person I am because of all I’ve overcome. I love HARD, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Obviously, this was no exception. I married a broken man who needed that kind of love. And although I was walking with scars from things I had been through, I was at a place where they were just that – scars. No longer open wounds. Unfortunately, some of those scars got ripped right back open as I experienced the loss of my husband to suicide.

1. Nightmares

As I mentioned in my Suicide Prevention Awareness Month post, I found my husband after he died by suicide via a self-inflicted gunshot wound. For the first few days I couldn’t even close my eyes without seeing it all over again. I had to get a prescription anti-anxiety medication just to be able to sleep. Even then I’d wake up in a panic sometimes.

The nightmares have subsided over time, but, once in a while, one will sneak in in the middle of the night in my regular dreams. I don’t know if a visual like that ever just “goes away,” but I’m thankful it is haunting me less and less. After I read the death certificate and understood exactly how the revolver was used, I realized that God actually protected me from seeing more than I already did. I will spare those details, but I do know it could have been worse.

2. Anxiety

Immediately following the suicide, my anxiety was relentless. I already had C-PTSD from years of narcissistic abuse (from before I met my late husband). This reopened some of those scars. But I now have new triggers. Because I had fallen asleep when he took his life, if I am feeling unwell or tired and try to nap during the day, I will sometimes wake up in a panic. I also get triggered by the sound of gunshots (even though I didn’t actually hear the gunshot), seeing a gun, bullets, etc. I can also feel anxious if I don’t hear back from someone and/or can’t find someone where I think they’re supposed to be. Again, these are all things that are getting better with time, thankfully.

3. Insecurity

One of the biggest wounds that got opened back up were my insecurities. I’ve gone through life often feeling “invisible.” I’ve spent many nights in tears both crying to God for someone to “see me,” while also thanking Him that *He* sees me. It was even an ongoing struggle in our marriage because my late husband would often talk about missing his family, and I just wanted him to “see me” – to see that I was there right in front of him, and I was his family. Needless to say, losing him to suicide reinforced that insecurity. I have played it over in my head that he had to walk by me sleeping to walk outside. But he didn’t think twice? I love SO HARD. Wasn’t it enough? This is probably one of the wounds that will take longer to heal.

There is also the insecurity of a life that is so different than what you expected. So many people say I am so strong. They’re partly right. I’m not strong, but I do find my strength in God. I am very independent – the kind of person that will pick myself up by the bootstraps and smile like everything’s fine while I’m absolutely breaking inside. But I’ll get through it because I always do. I figure it out. I’m a “I’ll just do it myself” kind of person. But that doesn’t mean that suddenly being thrown into a life where you HAVE to do it all yourself was easy. I am slowly getting into a new routine, a new way to make things work. And, as hard as it is for me to ask for help, I have learned to do so when needed.

4. Overwhelm

In that same vein, life got really overwhelming very quickly. Not only did I have to jump in and find out where we were in the flood cleanup process, I also had to do all the other paperwork and legal stuff that comes with the loss of a spouse. And it comes at you all at once. There are still things that I need to finish. Thankfully, I did have a lot of guidance and support from those who have been through it to help me get all the ducks in a row. And, as things often do, within the couple months that followed, things in the house started breaking. All the paperwork, repairs, expenses, running a business and household, etc. all while trying to process such a profound loss is definitely overwhelming.

5. Shame

I think the thing that isn’t talked about much is the shame you can feel when you lose someone to suicide – especially if it’s a spouse. I was supposed to be his reason to live – his support system. And when someone asks how he died (because he was only 52, so I think most people assume it wasn’t natural), I almost feel ashamed to answer. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t want people to remember him that way, if I don’t want people to pity me, or I just feel ashamed that I couldn’t save him. Thankfully, I’ve had amazing people in my life come alongside me and talk me down from those feelings.

6. Anger

I think anger is a normal part of any grief cycle, and losing someone to suicide is no exception. I have felt so angry. He knew the kind of life I’ve fought through, but did he even consider how it would affect me? And having to find him after the fact? How could he not consider what that would do to me? I remind myself that he was fighting something deeper than I could understand, but sometimes the anger and frustration get the best of me.

7. Hopelessness

This is the one that I know is not true because I know what God’s Word says. Yet, I have to admit, sometimes I do feel hopelessness. My life has been marked by people mistreating me, abandoning me, taking advantage of me, etc. So when yet another person who was supposed to love me leaves me, I definitely feel waves of hopelessness.

Getting Support

Not everybody’s journey with a loss to suicide is the same. But there are things that are important – namely getting the support you need. I’m not from the area I now live in as I had moved here when I married my late husband. Yet, when everything was falling apart, so many people rallied around me, and it’s something I will never forget. All of the things I mentioned were alleviated a little.

Of course, it’s also important to get professional support. Seek counseling. A counselor can help calm some of the chaos that is going on in your head. I also chose to join a GriefShare Group at a local church. Not all of our losses are the same, but connecting with others who have experienced loss is helpful. And, of course, the connection with other believers is invaluable.

And never be afraid to ask for help. Reach out when the emotions get overwhelming. Get in God’s Word daily. It can be easy to drown in those feelings, but you definitely don’t have to.

Slowly the wounds are starting to heal into scars again, and although it’s something I will always carry with me, I am choosing to be thankful for the time I did have rather than dwelling on how “unfair” it all feels (because it definitely does feel unfair) and how short the time I did have was.

September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month

As Suicide Prevention Awareness Month wraps up, I decided I’d like to try to put into words my experience. This is my first post on this blog/website. I started it a long time ago to share my experiences with the things I’ve overcome in life. I have experienced a lot of trauma in life, but God has been faithful. This is my space to share how He has continued to be faithful despite all the hardships. I’m going to be real and raw.

I genuinely thought I was finally living my “redemption story” when in April of this year my husband of 6 years took his life. At this time, I don’t know what God’s plans are for my life. However, I know He is still in control, and He’s still good. I have been blessed by amazing support from friends, family, and the community.

*Trigger warning: suicide.*

The Morning of the Loss

The morning of April 10th wasn’t just another morning. For close to a week my late husband and I had been dealing with flooding in our basement, which also affected the finished side of the basement where our bedroom was. A big storm had come through, took out our power, and our generator failed. It was out for 13 hours before someone was able to come fix the generator, but, by then, it was too late. Water had soaked through all the carpet and everything that was touching the carpet was ruined. I couldn’t sleep in my bed because of my asthma, but my late husband used a CPAP machine so he was still sleeping in our bed (which was not affected by the flooding). Needless to say, we were stressed and exhausted.

After the boys were off to school I heard a big “thud.” My late husband had come upstairs and collapsed from exhaustion. I helped him up and got him to the truck so I could take him to the Emergency Room. On the way there I could tell he was feeling really overwhelmed, and when I tell you I will forever replay some of the things that were said that day, I probably will. One of the things he said was that he has felt this exhausted before and voluntarily checked himself into a mental health facility, but that he no longer had to feel that way because “I have you now.” I have replayed that sentence in my head so many times. What I thought was a sentence of reassurance may have been a warning sign.

At the Emergency Room

When we got to the ER, I got a wheelchair for him and got him checked in before parking the truck. They did send in a mental health professional, and he did say things like he was feeling overwhelmed. He started going on about what a strong person I am and how he wishes he was like that. I reassured him I’m always happy to be there for him whatever he needs. The mental health professional did no sort of follow up because he did say he was not feeling suicidal.

Medically, it was determined his liver enzymes and heart enzymes were elevated. This seemed to trigger some stress as he had lost his twin to cancer (the same type of cancer he, himself, had survived), and his twin’s liver starting to fail was one of the first signs. The doctor and I reassured him it was likely because of the Naproxen and it was unlikely his cancer was back. They did want him to follow up with cardiology the next morning, though. Then he was released.

Back at Home

When we returned home, he got right to work making his calendar for the month including making the cardiology appointment. He also called our Primary Doctor for a follow up just for extra reassurance about the liver enzymes. Then, I encouraged him to get some rest.

Meanwhile, I was also exhausted and dozed off on the couch. That evening I was going to be taking my oldest son to an event he was attending. He had to wake me up because I was still asleep on the couch. When I woke up I was confused because my husband wasn’t there. I assumed he went to lay in the bed downstairs, so I put on a respirator so I could go down there and check on him and see if he needed anything before I left. But he wasn’t there. My heart sank. It was like I just knew something was wrong, but I never imagined it was going to be this.

The Shock

In a panic I started yelling for him and looking for him in different rooms. Then I went outside and turned the corner of the house to go to the backyard and saw him in the distance laying on the ground. I ran over to him and saw that he was lifeless. I was in such shock, though, I hadn’t put it together in my head what had actually happened. My thought was that he had just collapsed again. I was trying to mentally analyze the situation, and it’s like I just couldn’t. Maybe it was shock, maybe it was denial, but I ran back to the front of the house and told my oldest son to call 911.

I ran back to check again for a pulse and that’s when the reality hit me. Finally, I saw the actual horror of the situation, and I looked over and saw the revolver. Then I knew. I instantly went into mom mode and knew I had to keep everyone else away. I heard the sirens, and I ran back to the front of my house and told my oldest son to get inside and tell the 911 operator that my husband was gone. My oldest son then isolated his siblings, and they were oblivious to what was going on despite the numerous Sheriff deputies, detectives, etc. being there.

I don’t know that I’ll ever forget how it felt when the shock wore off and reality hit. I will also never forget how kind the Sheriff deputies were or the friends and family that showed up and hugged me while I sobbed.

Getting Answers

The first question I am asked is “why?” I don’t have an answer. I will never have closure. There was no note. There was no obvious indication. I was aware that he struggled with his mental health when it came to his family, and I often encouraged him to seek grief counseling. He had lost both his mom and twin brother before we met, and he lost his dad shortly after we married. So, he had lost all his family, and they were close. I think the combination of the flooding (the basement is also where he had his family’s stuff as he had held onto most of it) and the health scare just pushed him over the edge.

We may never know this side of Heaven. There were notes in his phone about missing his family and wanting to be with them again, but they were older. I still think it was an ongoing thought, though.

I will always wonder what I missed and what I could’ve done differently. Was there something the mental health professional who released him missed? Or were the signs just well hidden? I think seeking answers just leads to more questions.

Suicide Prevention Awareness Month

Suicide Prevention Awareness Month is about just that – prevention awareness. Sometimes, though, we just don’t know, but what I do know is suicide doesn’t discriminate. My late husband wasn’t a veteran. He wasn’t getting bullied or cyber bullied. He was just a regular person who had his own struggles he kept bottled up.

If you or a loved one are experiencing thoughts of suicide, PLEASE reach out. Please call the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988. Don’t wait until it’s too late. And please know you matter, you are loved, and there ARE people who will miss you. There is always hope.

If you have lost someone to suicide, please know you are seen, and you are loved. Don’t hesitate to reach out for support when you’re struggling with your loss.

I have also shared a post about how my husband’s suicide affected me.